oh, wawawa: Of February and March

What a turbulent and eventful month this has been! Here's your standard photodump...
I've been keeping all my thoughts (or well, I did for two weeks) in a moleskine journal lately, since I've been censoring what I've been saying here. I still want something 100% to look back on, not just the beginnings of ideas.

Nothing on here gets the time and reflection it deserves. The trip to Watts? No words, just pictures? But can I describe what I felt at that time? Not yet, not here I suppose.

I swear, I think I have ADHD now or something. Why can't I concentrate and just get stuff done like how I used to? Or was I even good in the past? Maybe I paint a better memory of old self but in reality I was a lot worse...I talk like I know it all, but I know nothing. But then I talk to some others, and realize how much I know. But THEN I talk to more people and once again I realize how little I know. Its all about who you're with. I'd like to surround myself with the people who make me feel like I know nothing. Not in the demeaning way, but in the way that really pushes me to improve myself. I can't be satisfied. I shouldn't be satisfied. Yeah, its always good to feel proud of a project or celebrate something you finished, but don't ever think for a second that you can just stop there. Perhaps that's what separates the good from the excellent. I would like to be the latter.

Doing the pixar app really forced me to reevaluate everything once again. Yeah, I'm good at photography and drawing. But not great. And what does that have ANYTHING to do with what they're looking for? I'd say I'm a jack of all trades, but who needs someone who is only mediocre in many fields? The easy answer is just to pick one, isn't it? But I want to do them all. Or at least try. I've been limiting myself here too much. What have I even been doing? To be honest, I haven't really really been wholeheartily doing ANYTHING this year. Isn't that sad? Here I am, first year in college, and just meandering it away. NEXT quarter though! I'm excited for it. ALL the classes interest me (or are going to be very very useful and relevant), I'll be working on a team to develop a flash game (learning flash and character rendering woo!), (hopefully) working (got an email back...now there's just the phone interview ahhhh), annnnnd making 3 costumes. Hahaha. I need concentration and focus! I need motivation (I have that now, but I'm not sure if I'll have it when the going gets hard haha)! And I need to reconnect. The old "oh, I'm busy" shouldn't be an excuse anymore (even though I am). I need to meet more people, but above all, actually create those strong bonds. There have been so many potential people lately, I just need to extend and follow up. Meeting the other half and other years of D | MA is really exciting. ESPECIALLY upper classmen. It's so inspiring to speak to them about what they're doing or working on...and they're all so nice. Kind, confident, humble. That's what I want to be. Being in PC and IV too! Seeing the upperclassmen there...I want to be like them. Ahhhhhh growing takes so much time and effort. But its so good.

Hmm. So my grandfather died. Paternal grandfather. February 20th. I was in freaking BCAF when I found out. Out of all places. Its funny, I had lunch with Elliot that day and as we were talking and just about to leave, I suddenly brought up my grandpa. Yeah, he was in the hospital and I knew that, but I didn't honestly believe that he was actually going to leave, especially not that day. Why did I think of him and just start talking about him? I'd like to think it was him reaching out one last time...Man, it was pretty hard the night I found out. THANK YOU Rebecca for being with me and distracting me. What did we even watch? The Fall? It was a good distraction. But as soon as she left...those few hours alone were pretty terrible. Three more friends came by that night. How kind they were. I left the next day, and the funeral was the day after that. It was crazy. I was pretty numb through most of it. Olivia and Angela didn't really understand. My father refused to cry, what would happen to us if he had started crying? My grandma and the maid were going through the most pain though...Man, we're so lucky to have the maid. I don't know what we'd do without her. Wellllll its all over now, right? We can do nothing but move on, right? Its frightening though. Seeing my grandfather's body...and just knowing that I'd end up in that same situation sooner or later...It makes me wonder whether what I'm doing is really worth it or if it really has any meaning? Everything seems so meaningless if the idea of the end is looming over the horizon...everything is temporary. Perhaps that's why I've drifted towards Christianity...this promise of something greater and beyond the life we know...Ah! we shall see. I need to think more on it.

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Anyways, all the photos over the past month.

Had a shoot with Deanna and Jessica. Many many things went wrong hahaha. Fog machine didn't work, location didn't work out as I wanted it to...I didn't know how to use flashes. BOHOHO it was a learning experience. A big thank you to the models for putting up with everything!!