oh, wawawa: I really will post more...

Its been almost a month since the last post. So much has happened and nothing has happened. The days melt into each other and I find myself losing who I used to be as time goes on. I can't pretend to laugh or smile anymore. I don't want to pretend. But I'm not who I act to be nowadays. I'm so much more bitter and reactive, the smallest things bother me so much more than they used to. I thought coming to UCLA with its sea of people would make me never feel lonely, but I find myself getting more and more lost in that same sea of people. I'm falling into the old pessimism that I thought I got over at the beginning of high school. I guess...most of these feelings are attributed to my own insecurities and my reliance on other's approval. Back in high school, everything seemed to be right; everything I did was met with most everyone's approval. Even the selfless things I did were almost always met with indirect approval. But here...I'm met with almost nothing but opposition. Some of it is necessary; my shortcomings in drawing and ping pong can only push me to work harder, but some things...superficial things, things I cannot help about myself, things I didn't value before...are all things that I'm pressured to conform to. Before coming here, I was pretty self assured about the way I dressed, the way I looked, and the morals I had. I didn't expect that I would face such heavy opposition to the person I was, in the very place I lived. It seems that everyone who comes into this space (the room I live in) is just playing into the superficial farse. What are they trying to do? Do they realize how foolish they look? Its painful to watch them. And its even more painful to realize that I could turn into that the longer I'm in this room. I've never been this lost.

BUT. In spite of all this, there have been people that have been helping me keep my sanity. Last night, Elliot spoke to me. He spoke of things that I have never really heard before because of my background/upbringing, but it all seemed to make sense. I was finally able to get peace of mind for the first time I've been here. I was finally able to sleep. I am so, so thankful.

Just from what I've said above, it sounds like I'm having a horrible time here, which isn't true at ALL. I see alot of potential good friendships that just need more time. I'm busy but its a good busy. Aside from ACA, all my clubs are things that I wholeheartedly want to do and am prepared to commit time to. Last night was the first time I've felt like things were finally going right. It didn't just start with Elliot's talk with me, it started at kendo club. Makino sensei was there, and we had a killer practice...I'm sore even now. BUT, my ki-ai(?) was the loudest out of the entire team and I got Makino-sensei's nod of approval. (WHICH IS INCREDIBLY RARE. SO RARE THAT EVERYONE ON THE TEAM NOTICED AND TOLD ME ABOUT IT LATER.) I mean, yes, I did promise myself to not depend so much on other's approval but...its just really nice to know that I'm doing something right for once and that my hard work is starting to pay off. After practice, we all went to bruin cafe together. I made an effort to talk to the upperclassmen and Grace (who already has bogu but is a first year), and...I'm really really happy that I did. It was 49 degrees and I was wearing shorts and a light jacket outside, but I was incredibly happy. (remember the YOOOO kiai and Mike as Altair).

And there have been other things I've been feeling too...but I think I'm over it! But...as I read over Eric's blog today, I was reminded of it and I guess I don't want to forget what I did feel. He says it better than I could ever say it;

I always say the wrong thing at the wrong time, or miss my chance when I should take it, or fuck up in a manner of massive proportions. Too ambiguous, or too obvious. Too indifferent, or too desperate. Always sliding between the ends of the scales, with nowhere to plant my feet.

I don't know if I should give up or keep trying; I've always been terrible at measuring the feedback from these situations.

All I know is that the disease is spreading. The feeling grows every day, and it must be stopped before it consumes me completely. I realized why I have been sleeping so well recently; I wasn't sick. I was normal, but it's returned. Slowly but surely, it overshadows everything I do. It presents me with the game I could never win, the game that has deceived me over and over at every stage in my life. The peace has left, and I am restless again. Prior to sleep, the disease called hope presents me with so many possibilities. In my mind, the possibilities play over and over. Chaotic and incongruous, like film caught up in the machinery of the projector. I wish I could take the projector and smash it into pieces.

The projector is smashed. But the film keeps rolling.

- http://negativespace.elementfx.com/

But I'm over it. I think. I hope.

~~~~~
So, a recap on the month. I promise promise to post every two days. I PROMISE. and to take photos of the things I take for granted. I know I'm not going to remember in a few years how exactly I did everything, and this is a time of my life I don't want to forget.

Went on a photowalk with Elliot like...a month ago. I said, lets shoot at 5pm, that's when the light is most beautiful! It turned out to be cloudy. But it was still good. (Here are his photos, I shot with the mamiya)

random things that I notice in the dining halls; a face made from the water from the bottom of my tray.

Because I went to the ACA club event and Xiaojun also overslept, we missed a day of DESMA10 (Design Culture) that was worth 10% of our grade. So upsetting.

Gavin is kind of a cool guy.

We watched paprika in the lounge!

THEN WE WATCHED SHUTTER.

Kevin is kawaii ugu at hedrick.

so is Harding

Went to go see the "Social Network" (the one about facebook) with floormates.

What happens in our room.

The first time we played with Jisoo (and the first time I really got to know him)

Jisoo's uncle is ranked #8 in the world. CRAZY STUFF. I don't want to forget this night. At around 1am on that sunday night, we started all...going a bit crazy haha. Freestyle ping pong. Elliot's wide eyes. Jumping in the air. I hope I can still recall that night based on just those words.

then the next morning, we had a 7am fire alarm. IT WAS SO COLD.

it rained later that day. we were stuck in Broad.

I was so so so tired. oh, midterms week.

Taking photos in Richard Serra's sculpture.

LOL

Chatting with Vrinda by Janss Steps! We were planning when to study for the Anthro33 midterm later that week, and just got out of Powell from studying, but it was mostly just chatting and getting to know each other. It was the last moment of reprise before midterms week. I basically lived in Powell for the next week.

Right after, I went to my first photo club meeting. A photo walk!

They're a good group of people :D We walked around Westwood and then went to some...beanery? (WHICH HAD NO BEANS)

They went to universal studios that night! But alas, I had a midterm the next morning so I couldn't go, but I did their makeup.

Doing posemaniacs for 2 hours. 30 second sketches!

Kendo club! Nathan Makino was there that day. THUS IT WAS A KILLER WORKOUT.

draaaaawing

Walking back that day was so beautiful

STUDIED AT POWELL WORKING ON DESMA10 MIDTERM WITH DIANE. GOT BACK REALLY LATE. IT WAS SKURRY

Bunche Hall

I DON'T EVEN

I went home for Halloween!

my darlingggg

We drove up to Pt Reyes. And had oysters. They were delicious.

First shots with the Canon 5d mark ii. I LOVE IT.

Studied in Charles E Young. Such a different feeling than Powell. I ran into Court that day!

Sat in Cafe Roma with Asmaa and Ryan for our Anthro33 project. which we did horribly on. alas.

oh diane

First food truck experience. Actually, a boba truck. That night, we wanted to go to the free Far East Movement show. but alas, due to delays and all that, we ended up not going. BUT we did end up having a much needed heart to heart. I became much closer with Jisun and Diane that night. So thankful for that.

We had Fat Sal's too!

Sitting on Janss Step's grass at golden hour, I stayed there until it got too cold. I love it.

One day after playing ping pong with Harding, Elliot, and Jisoo, I came back up...to sheets everywhere and Xiaojun lying naked on the floor with Diane and Natasha taking photos. I WAS WEIRDED OUT LIKE WHOA. Or went through the actions of acting weirded out. In retrospect, I think my reaction was just me thinking that I shouldn't accept something that I did? strange strange but yeah I took photos too LOL.

Jisoo needed to go to LACMA for his art history class, so I went with him. We...kind of...missed the stop and had to go back. I'M SO SORRY. We played Birth By Sleep on the way there (which is why we missed it -__-)

But the museum was amazing! I would like to go back soon.

I remember Ms. Bryan hated this artist.

COOLEST ELEVATOR EVER

Richard Serra's sculptures. I love.

We saw people filming a movie in front of LACMA. SO COOL.

~~~~

Yesterday, I had sushi and went to the HAMMER with Chris. We talked alot when we both went down to Copymac on week one, but since we were in different classes (and forgot each other's faces and names LOL) we didn't get to meet up/interact until yesterday. He's a transfer student and older; his insight is astounding.