And back to..

.....school!

Just got back home from Thanksgiving Break~ Coming back was a paaaain in the butt because I left my WALLET with my driver's license, bruincard (lets me into buildings and has all my meal swipes on it), room card, money, annnnd camera. I flew down from SFO too...so I went through some stuff at security aka being questioned for 10 minutes straight and getting background checks done on me hahaha. BUT in the end, they let me on (thank you!). I luckily had $5 for the ride back to school ($3 in pockets from change and $2 in my camera bag, no more no less) sooo it was all good. Except that I waited an hour and half for the flyaway. BUT THEN, SO DID EVERYONE ELSE. So it wasn't as bad!

mmmMMMMMmmmm

AND THUS THE STREAM OF INCOHERENT NONSTOP TYPING BEGINS

SO I went on a book downloading (legally [free] from ibooks!) spree- lots of Emerson and Thoreau, the two authors that I liked the most in that environmental English class I had in high school. I want to reread it all at my own pace now without the stress of college apps at the same time (which was what was going on at that time). Luckily most of the classics are free (yayayayay saves the trouble of going to a REAL library, the libraries on campus don't REALLY have books for reading-reading) sooo I can continue where I left off at since middle school. (did that make sense?) Mannn I read a tonnnn back then. I guess it was because of those summers in China where I was too young to go out or really appreciate anything around me...so I turned to books. AND because this one store in Vacaville (outlets!) always had a 3 for $10 sale on classic books right before we left for China...so we'd always buy a suitcases' worth of books that I was expected to finish by the end of the summer (and I did). Mooost of the reading happened in my maternal Grandparent's home in Guangzhou, in the tiny tiny apartment (in my grandpa's room! Remember the bamboo cover on the pillows+ mattress and the mosquito netting around the bed and the stacks of language and engineering books in that tiny room. Brown tinted glass on the table with old photographs preserved underneath (I started doing that too after that summer). remember remember remember.

I miss reading. Alot. Its been SO long since I've really read for pleasure. A year? I can't really remember the last book I read on my own...(Tuesdays with Morrie, perhaps?) I'll try to read every night before I sleep now. IT HELPS ME SLEEP TOO. Annnnd everyone knows that that's the thing I've been lacking most lately hahaha.

Oh, sleep. I used to NEED at least 9 hours of sleep to function...now I only "need" 6. COLLEGE, WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME. I think I'm adapting to it though, I'm waking up after 6 hours regardless of how my energy level is. I think...I should try to get more sleep, haha. ITS SHOWING ON MY SKIN. bah. I haaave been kinda spotty with the acne medicine this month because we never refill our brita anymore (and I'm too lazy to go out and fill it lateee at night hahaha) or I just forget. Its...getting kind of out of hand...My skin hasn't been this bad since last year (and then it was REALLY bad from the stress of college apps + doing posters + everythannng) and its honestly really... embarrassing. MM NOT THE WORD but I've been avoiding people's eye because of it or being a lot more self conscious or just wanting to be alone more until it goes away. sigh sigh sigh WHY oh WHY am I cursed with these genetics? The same thing goes for weight and metabolism. I gained 5 lbs this month. ITS BEEN MY FAULT THOUGH- too many times I agreed to getting late night with someone or getting bruincafe with the kendo team or just eating really late and not going to the gym and not playing ping pong and ahhh the list goes on. ONCE WINTER QUARTER STARTS, I PROMISE I'LL STEP IT UP. (and the month of December when I'm at home!)

I played ping pong with Harding tonight. I sucked. I haven't played....consistently in a month. I can't remember the last time I went to ping pong practice. BAH WHAT HAPPENED? (actually I do know-midterms and projects and me being a lazy ass). I gotta step it up. What happened to my excitement in the beginning? WHERE DID IT GO? I guess its been hard because you can't really practice on your own and everyone else is busy too. PLUS I have this thing where I feel bad whenever I play against Harding, Elliot, or Jisoo...My level is alot lower than theirs and they're basically only doing me a favor when they practice with me so I've been really reluctant to ask lately. (annnnd Jisoo still doesn't have a phone). I'm afraid of being bad company. I DON'T KNOW WHY but I've been really quiet recently...or whatever I do say, I don't mean, or comes out totally wrong/awkward. whywhywhywhywhyyyy

Regardless, there isn't anything I can/should blame but myself. I need to gain more confidence. That's what everyone always told me. sigh sigh sighhhh.

Change myself...change myself...or find who I was before or who I wanted to be? Honestly, its so easy to get lost here, so easy to just go with the flow and turn into everyone else and let the time slip by. I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT. The few days I had at home sleeping and thinking have been really really good to me. As I lay in bed, I'd plan out things I'd do and at the time, everything made sense again. (BUT I'M BACK HERE AND I DON'T REALLY REMEMBER WHAT I HAD PLANNED OUT. so, so fail).

BUT a rough idea of what I was thinking of doing to get to my "goal self"--

-TED talks;; I loveeee these. love love love. They've opened my eyes to new ways of thinking that make sense. I would really love to discuss the ideas they talk about with someone. (remember the 6 hour debates/conversations with Derrick.) I miss being exposed to new ideas like these!

-reading;;LOLOLOL so general. BUT I'm determined to put the ipad to more use and especially to get into the habit of reading again. (I use the ipad a tonnnn already- all my readings are on it, I skype with it, and...play all those addicting games on it LOL). My writing is deteriorating. I WAS REALLY GOOD AT WRITING AS A KID (I was the young author of my school in second grade up until sixth grade). WHAT HAPPENED.

-conceptart.com;; This site. Everyone's skill level is amazingly high and everyone is so MOTIVATED. I love it. Its not really "competitive" or just for sharing/popularity like deviantART was, but about actual artistic development. There are alot of people who are already in the industry too...it can't hurt to learn from them, right? I'm thinking of participating in some of their weekly "challenges". EVEN IF I don't do a full on digital painting (and I mostly likely won't), I'll try to at least do sketches for it. I would really really like to find an artist friend to join me in this! OR a sketching buddy. or an art buddy in general.

-Christianity;; Alright, this is the biggest/most major one. I guess it all got started when Elliot gave me that talk, then got deeper when I met with the people from his church, and has gotten even deeper still now that I've planned to meet with Rachelle for a "gig" (basically meeting with someone who's already Christian and going through a crash course as to what it is and what it means) starting next quarter. Its...something I have zero experience in and something I never expected myself to get into. BUT I'm really willing to try it out.



brarbghagbgbgbgb SO TIRED GOING TO BED WILL CONTINUE TOMORROW. (WHAT DID I EVEN SAY AND WHOOP THERE GOES AN HOUR)